to the lengths of which
i've lost my mind
for the things we search
but cannot find

could they be found
by looking within
or is the secret found
in surrender, give in

to all that which
we cannot know
cannot perceive
once seeds are sown

some say "rent"and some say "own"
some wander in packs
while some walk alone

which one "is"
and which one "was"

the you, you believed
well, "just because"

because someone told you
that's what you were

decided, your fate
like the "should" in the "sure"

as in, are you really, so strong, underneath
to not be conditioned, like "wash, rinse, repeat"

do the same things over, and over again

like the song "saved by zero"
"maybe someday i'll win..."

but you won't
if you don't
soon awaken,
this fracture

the one that separates your "you",
from the rapture

of feeling the soul of your skin, for yourself
walk in truth, heart assured, you are nobody else

but the you
that sees things
and feels them, quite deep

misunderstood, maybe
like "the sheep" is, to seep

inside of you
then leave, true blue
wondering, this mind of yours
is it all, a lie, or truth

flashbacks, playgrounds
casual brutalities of youth
banish them, behind you
no need, "play the sleuth"

just breathe, in your confident
and bleed, then get on with it.

living in your dream
before it leaves, left, in you
a haunting vision
of what, "if only", i'd said
all the things, loving
lost, them, trapped in my head

there are many things that i can do
stripped and "salved", naked, bed

but i lay here in silence,
keeping secrets, instead



15 may 2018 ringwald love

i wonder who little orphan annie would be
if she had seen the things i've seen
would she still be singing
"the sun'll come out tomorrow"
or would she sink into the pit,
"i want to off myself", sorrow

bitch had daddy warbucks to save her
mine never came.
my heart throb, dark angel man, savior

instead, i've been an "or-a-fist" orphan
tricked and whored
upon this alter
despair, destruct, implied, implored

the pain of being bent
over the railing, into hell
sodomized on secrets
mind, "meat-minced", to dwell.

i try to think "positive!"
but it doesn't last very long
seems i'm telling myself lies,
far too weak to stand strong

watching as all the other urchins grow
and live to say "i told you so"
"you're too negative to get what you want"
has turned me into "soft seething" sore cunt

which is beyond unattractive
and not worthy of adoption
as "you bet your bottom dollar"
takes on new meanings and options

like get me to the nearest bang,
for a buck.
barely alive still counts
as a "good enough" fuck.

as long as i'm still sort of pretty,
in the dark
us orphans, so needy
will do anything, literally, on the lark

that maybe that ship will come in and not sink
keep dreaming, keep praying
don't look back, stop to think

that maybe little annie
was a fraud,
compulsive lies, wants and whims
or maybe not,
can the happy ever conjoin to the end?

without bending and crawling
spreading, "spitballing"

who knows, gotta go,
it seems some thing, but no one, is calling....

(for me)



12 february 2019 ringwald love

replaying the film
in my mind
rewinding, pausing, a thousand times.

looking for traces, searching for clues.
who really, were you,
and what was the truth

like a belief in beauty, broken
vanished, gone, once come unglued

feeling i could believe in you.
oceanically deep, gorgeous to bone,
i sensed you, i thought, powerfully true.

until that truth showed itself, but illusion
your "exclusive on elusive"
became a secret telling intrusion

like the whispers from an "other",
present in the room.
showing me what i could not see,
my wanting of you, the game, you feed.

pouring my depths
as others would pour of the bullshit to impress
you'll take the rest of them, for the win
leave me in a longing, confused.
perpetual state of confess and undress.

i will become
stronger than my memory of you.

no choice, devil now known.
the best of me (heart)
for the worst of you,
proved.



written 10.30.2018