hi,
my name is utter devastation (think emotional/psychological)
and I'm here to tell you a little bit about myself. I am known to a very
special, select group of souls for whom my presence has made itself
a continual reminder throughout their lives. Yes, every single man, woman in this life sees me,
feels me visit them at least once or twice
(death of a pet, loss of a parent, a child, spouse, close friend, that kind of thing),
but for this special clan i am speaking of, i find them very young
(and we know how this world loves the young),
cut a hole deep inside them (such unspeakably ugly ways, you don't want all the lurid details of how i do it..trust me)
and thereby make, implant my mark, "my seed", so as to come back and strike upon them again,
in ways they often are too blinded, confused by me to see.....coming.

Poor souls, i know, I'm a dastardly, devious devil, but some tribe has got to balance
the scales for the more "normal" lives of so many people who seem get pretty much whatever
and whom they want with relative ease. You see, for these folk I'm speaking of, all the regular rules don't apply.
No matter how hard they try, work hard, pray harder, "be good soldiers",
it doesn't erase the mark, "the etch" placed inside them, I've made.

But it can't be all "doom and gloom", every hell has got to have a little heaven,
so i am known to shine some individualistic rays of light upon them,
give them some hopeful beauty now and again, otherwise they'd simply kill themselves
and that would be the end of it, end of me, no fun.
(the strong ones, they stay, but so sad, the ones that "opt out early", "off themselves",
no matter what little good i give, send their way, every now and again)

Utter devastation, i live to break these souls. Somehow they keep getting up though,
these extra special ones, at war with me, my cruel, bloodthirsty game.
That's why i chose them, although they'll never exactly figure out the "why them"...
If they did, maybe they'd be able to outwit, outrun, be done, me.
I mess up their minds so thoroughly, masterfully, that somewhere deep down,
they don't believe they can and live in fear that I'm always waiting, lingering, just....around...the...corner.
Strike! Surprise! Gotcha, another "not again' time.

I am utter emotional/psychological devastation and i live to see the deep, wrenching pain in their eyes,
hold them at night, as they sob, as they writhe.

How do i achieve this, beyond the more obvious of my ungodly acts?
(rape, molestation, beatings, muggings, murder, adultery, betrayal by a deeply trusted family member,
best friend, loved one, kidnapping of a child, horrible disease inflicted on the young,
car crash death, plane crash death, death during childbirth, etc...)

Well, It's very simple.
95% of the time, something hopeful, fruitful, positive comes along and i snatch it from them like a thief in broad daylight.

See, I'm nicer than I'm given credit for, I left a 5% offering of light, success, things working out,
evolving, coming to fruition, hope.

My "utterly devastated sensitives", so needy, wanting, selfish, i tell ya...
But back to me, my wily, wounding, ever damaging ways...

That job you worked so hard at?
Eh, i make em hate you and show you the door, smiling, blaming you for everything, of course.

That new romantic interest, so hard to connect, so hard to find?
I make em disappear, forget you for whatever reason i want, or can find.

That group of friends you thought you belonged to, made?
I make em gang up on, talk shit about you and quicker than you can say "hey",
I've sealed your fate and your bed, alone, once again, is made.

Those family members you thought had your back?
They just saw it as something to repeatedly break, crush, stab.

That person you bonded with, trusted with all your heart, best of your soul?

Surprise!, they really didn't pay you much mind, turns out all their kindness was a ploy for gain,
or worse, just a momentary "didn't mean much of anything to them" product of your fucked up,
delusionally fragile, ever still so hopeful mind.

Because you are just "that kind".
My favorite kind.
Sensitive. Creative. Thinking. Deep Feeling. Seeing. Sensing. Knowing.
And the all time worst, my favorite,
"Heart on sleeve" showing.

So therefore.
Scapegoated. Blamed.
Misunderstood. Maimed.
In and of me, utter devastation, both
forever changed, altered repeatedly and yet..
simultaneously unchanged.

i have many intricate and numerous ways, I am utter devastation after all,
and those that know me, once too often throughout their lives, they know, yes, to fear me,
that I'm not some shallow attention seeking device. I cut deep. I scar the brain even deeper.
"For life", and if i had my way, far beyond that as well, (think that place that i come from, hell)
This is not some playtime game, nor for the weak, just the same.

The clan I've created, they know and live with me by name.
I guess you could say I'm unshakable, unforgettable that way....

and ultimately, my victory
is to make them so afraid of hope,
of hoping for anything sweet,
innocent, rewarding and lasting,
that they will simply live to outlive
me, and the weight of my pain

but damn, they are strong, i'll give 'em that, the ones that make it through, regardless of all i make
so utterly devastating for them, "so wrong".

maybe, when they least expect it, i'll give them a break and allow something good to happen, to last,
the ones that know the meaning of the fight, war waged long...
(remember, that 5% chance exists for them as long as they do)

So live and love on, in spite of, and for me, the one's, "my children", the haunting of me,
they know and feel all too well,
and belong.



bowen hart roselli
12 december 2020
ringwald love

welcome to the real america
where if it's not happening to you,
it's doesn't really matter
if it's happening to someone else

if you aren't fucking them,
aren't family, aren't friends
then it's truly every selfish
for themselves

beyond race, beyond gender
beyond every fucking pronoun
you can toss and puree in
"the god just kill me quicker" blender

selfish reigns as the soul becomes
something to devour,
destroy as we grow
ever increasingly numb

technology hookers
and pimps, just the same
dead-eyed kids,
born with a slab of social media
in their face

all "me, me, me"
not you, as in before,
as in placed, the qualities
inner character and grace

things like heart,
they don't pay the bills
and they sure don't get
those bank accounts filled

to say nothing of "followers",
attention beggars and borrowers
good luck if your stomach
finds you bleeding the bullshit
in the stress, strain of "the sorrower"

looking around, in horrid disbelief
says charlie brown, before
self strangulation, "good grief"

as lucy now,
does a lot more, for five cents
has re-assignment surgery to pay
along with an ever increasing rent

bitch can't get by,
with just being a girl
that's not enough
to hoard the spotlight, this world..

even if no one cares,
really notices
welcome to only being
as good, of value as your notices

notice of eviction,
notice of conviction,
notice of omission,
notice of suspicion...

don't trust those weirdo's
who care, when not required
or anyone doing anything
beyond themselves,
beyond self gain or ego-maniacal
need, hole feed, to be admired

in all the wrong ways,
as in, for all the wrong things
a buffet of sloth
and "scarf down", see?
"onto the next"
and what they can bring..

to the party, "get it starting"
"smile big and bright" for the praise
don't be pensive, thoughtful, don't
that will get you thrown away,
not raised

up, as in successful
"deep" is not desired, it's stressful
on the body, and taxing, on the mind
it does not pay
to be "one of a kind"

the kind, of what?
you may, won't ask?

the kind that is alive
not for "the game", the mask
the kind as seen,
"not up to the task"
the kind for whom
the crowds do not bask

in the shadows, in the streets
head held down
or hiding under pillows and sheets

just wanting to get the hell
out of this place

the real america now,
land of the selfish,
greed and gain imbibed,
inhuman race

an artless artifice,
in the name of
"no one else exists, but me"

a disgrace.

(thank god, yes, for the nurses, the healthcare workers, the caregivers, the caretakers, the few true friends,
and the "last life lovers" that do, yes, shine and still exist here, outnumbered, in this day and age, and time)


bowen hart roselli
4 december 2020
ringwald love

 

"i should've woken up at once,
but this was no concern of mine"

- front 242 - quite unusual


needy, broken
lost, disturbed
borderline psycho,
borderline everything
less than zero,
as in no sustainable
self worth...

fractured psyche,
pouring out heart
devoting myself
to the cause of others
caring too much,
like a forgotten, fallen art

too much emotion
too many words
too much emphasis
on what it all means
as if searching every avenue
to the ends of the earth

too much of too much
and of "chill" and "cool"
how to be, play
never learned that skill
well enough

easily devoured,
even more so, overpowered
by the want, the hope
it will all be ok
tell that to the fool for love
on perpetual bended knee he prays

cuz love ain't cash,
savings in the bank
success equals money
and status and power
better get together,
sooner than later
join the "right side",
"right path" ranks...

stronger, wiser,
"focus, focus"
don't believe in the "hocus pocus"
that tells you
being a good human
matters
what's that?
it's called your heart, soul
scarred, shattered

to say nothing
of the effect on your mind
who's got the empathy?
who's got the time?

uh, that would be no one
or, on a positive note,
one in a hundred, very few
trust me, i fucked up royal
seeing, feeling the goodness in others,
and i know this is true
as i count every split in my blind,
stupid damage psyche
clot every wound, tend every bruise

thoroughly torn apart,
completely spent, used
takes every last ounce,
the deficit of energy, hope inside
to get through each day
slightly more than bereft,
beam "enthused"

cuz no one wants a party pooper
it's "uplift others always", to be loved
be "super duper!"
"super positive", superman
and always lend an ear, a hand

even if that ain't returned,
that's not their fault, it's mine
I've learned
hand to flame, stove top of love,
burned
an exceptional student,
at the "use, discard" churn

but my p.h.d in "asshole"
never got me anywhere
what gets me aroused, stirred
would give most of you, lucky
quite a cringe, if not a scare

sociopath, narcissist?
yeah, my cock rock hard from this
"republican dick", selfish prick
let's get the mind fuck on, with this...

"he doesn't abuse me,
he just treats me like shit"
big difference, distinction
someone like me
tortured, tormented,
it's not a game for attention

it's me.

so open my skull, kitchen sink,
wash my brain
free you and me,
from every ounce, absorption,
this pain

the belief in one's good,
at the expense of the bad
"damaged people, damage you"
fuck up your head,
condition the brainwash
with a combined, sweet shampoo

lathered, massaged,
fingers in the mind
"coocoo for cocoa puffs"
these, the men,
my kryptonite, my kind

drawn, like proverbial
moth, cliche, flame
like i said, that's on me
so I'll take it, it's easier
lay upon me, all of it

it's my fault, the blame.

"lost" is humiliating
embarrassing, ugly
and overflowing
with an engulfing sense, shame

it's no fun, and it never was
to feel like no matter
how hard you try,
how much you give
or care, or love

work hard and harder,
harder still

i always end up
in a place, the same

so just do it, like "screw it"
I apologize, wholeheartedly
for being me,
"too much, too intense",
emotionally, "thoughtfully"

i surrender once more,
i give in, give up

it's me,
i am the only one here
to blame

(see, that was easy, and it comes so naturally
inside of me, now we're both free...
and at ease)


bowen hart roselli
30 november 2020
ringwald love

teach me a new language
the one I've been using is lost
expired, outdated
unwanted, ignored
teach me a new way of being me
because this way i can no longer afford

same old story,
"love, love, love"...
some strange obsession
with the heart, from above

that's what it feels like,
as in, that's where it came
it couldn't have come
from this dark place
too many strangers
with no light, no consciousness
of anything but themselves
behind their
"no one, nothing else exists
but me face"

I'm a broken record,
through the player away
stuck on a skip,
compelled to pour out my heart,
"hope you'll stay"

cuz the world i see behind my eyes
i think you do too
"so many thoughtless, so many lies"
but then i realize that's just me,
that's not you

you could be the happiest
guy or girl, alive
normal ups and downs
amongst your everyday manifest, thrive   

plenty of friends, "plenty of fish"
in the sea, to connect,
companionship, your wish
if you've got the charisma,
got the charm, easy then, normal
to find and conquer, so many,
disarmed

not my world, not my magic
me, the boy born worshiping
the beautiful ones', tragic
lana turner, marilyn monroe
"harry reems heaven",
and my mother, most of all
the ones to give birth,
my poetic heart, home

a mansion in my mind,
filled forever
with the beautiful souls, remarkable
a sense this encapsulating alone-ness
isolative, it would exist there, never
and i would not
have to feel this, ever

again, the sense
I'm a fucking freak
seemingly incomprehensibly intense
"too much" to be anyone's idea
of a "whole package", complete

just when it seems
I'm finally accepted, safe, understood,
feeling my "everything, all in"
whole hearted, to them is wanted
desired of, good
it turns out i was just living in a dream
"impossible to love",
for the long haul, it seems

"off the charts",
always missing the mark,
so sings the song of another
love, "of the leave slowly" lark

so, i need a new language,
i need a new way
of being, becoming
someone attractive,
so "that someone" will stay

feel for me, as i feel for them
the question has always been
can i manage to learn
the brutal lessons, and when?

not much time left,
it's running quite thin
"wounded isn't the wanted one"
nor is an out pouring heart,
so better hide it, eternal
find the "turn corner", begin

to "get it" now, or get "him" never
as the dirt, half hearted
shoveled over my grave
says

"just couldn't get his shit together"

so teach me, a new me
before it's too late
I'd really like the chance
to change this path, fate

the one I've been, called
"give my all and watch me fall"
apart, not together,
not in love, as in loved, adored
by the other

the language i speak,
of the fool, when i thought,
it translated, inside to outward

the lover.

and i thought that you loved it,
an unusual love, unlike any before

didn't matter, "the define"
i gave you all of my heart,
all my focus, energy and time

i thought you felt, knew it
but big surprise, "warped me",
i blew it

gave too much and said, spoke
even more

so teach me a new language
one attractive, not repellent

cuz I'd really like to be loved,
mutually seen as beautiful, adored

even if it means
i can't be me

anymore.

(I'm ok with that now,
i get the game, score
and I'm really fucking tired
of ripping myself apart for another
only to find myself alone, stupid me
and having to pick myself up,
in shards, off the floor)

not a victim though,
yes, a willing participant
how could i not be,
it was you, the one thing
i couldn't escape

and like the school of seven bells sang

"the heart is strange and dissonant"


bowen hart roselli
30 november 2020
ringwald love

gimme everything,
everything i want
plus everything i think i want
and it still won't be enough
because "everything" isn't you
and it never will be
because, you
there is only one

irreplaceable, indefinable
incomparable
unfathomable, your mystery
your artistry

the art of simply being you.

infuriatingly impenetrable,
as in strong willed and sensitive,
just the same

belligerent and beautiful
blind and so alive
in all you see and sense,
once and once more, time again

so gimme everything,
anything, to preoccupy myself
distract myself from your absence,
the nagging slow drip ache,
the pain

of simply not being able
to be around you

sit near you
talk to you
relate to you,
not quite relate to you

differences, fascinating
but given the chance to
I've learned a lot,
explored your inner landscape,
with love

the parts you've allowed me,
shared with me,
somewhat, trusting
then somewhat not

a duality, a complexity
that reflects the truth
that lives, breathes inside me

an inner war, a battle,
a struggle

to be human here
surrounded by the suffocating
strangle hold
"same old, same old"

rules applied,
"looks like we've died"
just a little bit more,
than we wish to want to
recognize

so gimme everything...

joe piscopo,
in his soul shivering,
heart throb, knee quivering prime

plenty of money
to never again have to worry

a decent job, dare it have
lasting purpose and a good future,
benefits, pay, to match

a string of nights
with consistent, deep sleep

the removal inside,
binge like hunger,
processed, garbage food to eat

gimme tacos 'til eternity
because they remind me of you

the heaven i once felt
eating them with, and while
talking, soul sharing with you

i knew it then,
as i feel it, same, now

knew i was blessed,
simultaneously touched

the tiniest things,
the biggest, light brings

seemingly throwaway moments
none were disposable
because they were with you

lastly, gimme the courage
to share this shine, this shit
with you
and not care, not worry
that you'll never get, embrace
understand me

i am simply speaking
the truth

gimme that, gimme everything
because i know

no one and nothing
is the "everything"

i felt, i found
i kind of died a little bit
in the name of heaven,
hand bit by hell

just by standing there
in the sunshine

by your side.

the gods know how i miss that,
how i miss you

nothing more, nothing less

than it meant the universe,
the world

as in everything
to know, experience, adore
embrace, love you

in the way i can, in the way i do

so all i want is "everything",
but differently now
'cuz you changed me,
destroyed, broke and saved me

for seeing
a different kind of everything
worth fighting, struggling for

that's the treasure chest in you,
that's what true

I'd give up everything
just to have you back,
have you around

but i still wouldn't mind
joe piscopo, in or out of his prime,
beautiful, "off the beaten path"
brilliant man

"different and everything"...

just like you.


bowen hart roselli
4 december 2020
ringwald love

to love someone
give to someone
care for someone
who is not just someone

beyond yourself
beyond walls and wounds
manifestations of the mind,
fears loom

beyond "lost" limitations,
a lack of self confidence
an embedded belief system,
ingrained, if it's me,
something i hope for..
something will, in the way,
go wrong with it

always does,
"because, because"..
seems that's what happens
when you live for love

not "normal" here,
even though it's claimed
by prophets, priests,
and the playground ordained

success, survival of the fittest, unfit
copycat creatures, scratching,
clawing, clamoring for the latest
"look at me", hit

song or scene
or invention, intention
"quick buck, quick fuck"
"long list, good luck"...


we humans,
at least the ones remaining
amongst the onslaught of others
known as "people", all their
shallow, soulless ruinous staining

have a hard time,
"falling in line",
trusting it's true,
when we find, like a miracle
one of our kind

unlike anyone else,
that's the problem
like some strange angel,
here, they have fallen

can't define them, confine them,
to easy epitaphs
definitions, molds
easy "fit to frame" masks

these few, amongst the "everyone"
not the smoothest of paths,
as they come
rough around the edges
and seams
but oh, the insights, the "soul shine"
it beams...

of a beautiful, like no one
has seen here before
a mystery, inherent
indescribable, all the more

fascinating as,
is "factual" always not
something that, in books,
can be taught

some souls tear up
every page, every rule
by no fault of their own,
they "just are",
within the chaos of cruel

the kind, the considerate
the ones most likely deemed
"the functionally illiterate"

the sensitive, the "so then, scarred"
the ones' who can see past
this "lump of rock",
shoot straight through the stars

to a universe
far beyond most,
of limited perception
these, the heroines, the heart throbs
of "the dream come true" perception

i carry within,
that carries me forward
keeps me focused on the "cherish"
in a mind, a landscape,
littered with disorders

"disorderly conduct",
i suppose i am that criminal
as my understanding
of how to be human,
with a heart that gives,
gets out of here alive,
it is minimal

to say nothing of all
the utter failures and fractures
i guess i never could
make up my mind,
other than to love,
and to give a shit about it,
what it was, here, i was after

so full responsibility,
to the end of it all
i will take it, 'til it kills me

i hate most everyone,
but good god, yes
i loved you
and the only thing i dare try,
"get it right",
was to follow my heart
and, for you,
so touchingly, "fragile fire" rare,

do the one thing I'm not good at
with much of anything else...

and actually, account-ably
you, such a gift, to this world,

follow through.


bowen hart roselli
2 december 2020
ringwald love