never knew you
were supposed to
hide your heart
play a part
fake your art
steal your cart

put
me above you
lies before truth
words before soul
take before toll

as in, the toll it takes on you
living a life trying to give
equals screwed

by the majority,
fuck "moral"
like the choir in the choral
assembly assembled for the sake
of the gain
so sobs the angels, left like road kill
in pain

from simply trying to be
something more human
than what they see
all around us, the "vacant with glee"
just deny what is happening,
the destruction of intimacy, bleed

no time for a phone call,
no time for real care
no time for anything
that doesn't involve technology
and "media, social",
if not an easy ego boost illusion
then what does it mean,
when you don't exist then,
"who cares?"

that would be few
as in fewer, far between
good luck if you are on your own
none of that easy swallowed shit
like a partner or a family

all the things
that make the masses,
oh so happy, fists full of "sappy"
shovel it down,
as in shove it on through
"success!" is the "see me"
and mine, so posed and perfect
thus proved

"all is good and yes, i've made it!"
no one knows the secrets, outdated
things like "the struggle"
or the pain, underneath
make sure there are no stains
on those sheets

that you use to cover all your shit,
all your bull
brain cells, devoid
it's all "sound bites" in skulls

i never knew
it was all a game
and so me, yes "the loser"
i have no one but myself to blame

if everyone's doing it
i should've been screwing it
but my thing doesn't work that way
has nothing to do with prison cells
"straight or gay"

has more to do with
the invisible, inside
an identity, a soul
attached to a heart
i could not figure out how to hide

and so i sank
instead of swim
watched prospects of progress
through my hands, run thin...

cuz this world,
gotta be playing games, always
all the boys i like
prefer psycho bitches
parading down their hallways

so then me, "just too easy"
"too nice, too there",
gentle winds, blow my "breezy"
so i bent my backwards to "sleazy"
and found a devouring darkness
that would make many real queasy

so "fuck it", i tried
had to leave that behind
turns out, just never good enough
to be the one to light the heaven
inside another's loving, adoring eyes

"ok, I'll accept it",
cuz what else can you do
chalk up my life to a waste of dreams
and energy, misguided truth

amongst the madness, the sadness
of all the things
i thought, felt that mattered,

turns out i was wrong.

it was all the things
i never wanted to believe,
therefore never learned,
until too late, "the awake"
days of despair, lonely, long

now my undoing,
but "death by a thousand cuts"
at least, in the end

makes you strong.

and i know, when i walk alone
in silence, no more words
past all the lovers, entwined
arm in arm

in motion, my emotions
and thoughts, "somewhere else"

that somewhere, not here
is exactly the place
I've always known, i belong

(and as such, no surprise
my lack of success, just an utter
failure at love, plus everything here)



bowen hart roselli
26 december 2020
ringwald love