should've been a suicide
but now i'm on the other side.
the place, inside, i know i've died
but to the outside world, i am still alive

tell me what it means to thrive
when i've seen the fall in too many eyes
the haunt that says "i don't belong in this world"
amongst the pretty and the petty,
power games of boys and girls

an ache of lonely
that hovers, like hell
that no one and nothing
can ever fill or heal
this is what it means to suffocate and feel
isolated and alone,
confused why all that was,
and is actually real

there is this life in your head,
so many have tread
rich with beauty and soul,
and a love, drenched, untold

all the angels i have truly loved
most, now are gone, less, the light, on my skin,
felt once, the glow, in begin, from above

that used to connect and penetrate, "the within"
until i broke, held, neck down,
in darkness that said "you see now, i am your only lasting friend"

watch the faces parade, past my eyes
as if an unbreakable connection, the holy grail here, grand prize
something most ascribe to "the normal"
is lost to me here, walls called skin, damn me, "over"

and done with.
no dreams now, dare to believe,
for a moment, they can truly come true
just to survive, days and out
is all that is left, once again, right, to do

should've been a suicide.
so all the sadness, here, it hides
i sort of did, but didn't, try
and now, in numb, "verge of never"
drown me less, drought, the cry

a purgatory of promises
i and they, now we, pawned, golden
looking back is all i have
the whispers of innocence,
the wound bleeds,
re-awakened, re-opened.

a life built on dreams,
visions now vanished.
to have died, but "live" on
never the same again,
happens.

stances
for chances
never took, live in fear.
of all the eyes and all the laughter
that made you feel terrified,
paralyzed,
your "happily ever after"...

as just the "un" in attainable
your place,
amongst the sun,
that vision of him, towering, for him, "i could've been the one"...

beat the smile from your face
should've been a suicide
but i couldn't give in, the disgrace,
the eyes of that was "expected of me"
the disgust, embedded, stained, set me free.

and.

the screams of the boys on the playground of forever
bludgeon me hundreds, but did they touch of me,
never.

and not again,
fuck, repeat,
like the "when"

for vanishing games,
call it "should've been a suicide" blame

on all that i felt, that was somehow,
always out of reach

the truth may be brutal,
but the scars, they do teach...

of rights and wrongs
and where a lost boy belongs
in the arms of another, man of pain, be him, strong

a bloodied survivor, "should've been gone"...

but isn't.
has endured,
dark of night, far too long...

a "should've been"
for a "see the heart in him".

all the things that are silent and speechless
and never again, would i have to explain, or repeat this...

why.
i should have been a suicide,
the truth of which, ingrained in my eyes.
a sadness, like flood
that experience, pain, did it guide me.
deep, oceanic, secret friend, sit beside me.

and never leave
as it watched me grieve
for all the things i could not stop
and all the love, that i felt, heavens' drop

upon me, so fleeting
and then, gone again, altered
suicide, "should've been", or not
did i never forget, or falter

from the gaze of the gorgeous
when it shined upon me, like miracle
look upon your reflection, find the evidence, empirical.

no words,
just more feelings
in the silence of your eyes
lies the cure, "emergency room dealings'

like "the heal" in the real
that is so confounding, here, to decipher
no thought, no word,
just your pulse, pull me tighter

into the  unspeakable, dare we attempt, even speak it

for feelings suffocating underneath the skin
let them go, let them bleed
be them beautiful, come

completed.



2014 ringwald love